Thursday, January 7, 2010

RELATIONSHIP INSECURITY MAKES MATTERS WORSE

Relationships are perhaps one of the most important aspects of any individual’s life. Without relationships, life seems to be listless. Research shows that one of the most important causes of a healthy and satisfied life is having good and healthy relationships.

This explains why people are, generally, desirous of having good and healthy relationships. For some people this desire becomes too strong and develops into a fear of losing their relationship (friendship, romantic relationship, etc.).

Some people, due to various reasons, have had a history of not having satisfying relationships or their relationships not turning out as expected. These continuous experiences become extremely hurtful and distressing. After a while a certain kind of fearfulness towards relationships starts to creep in within such individuals. They develop a fear of losing a relationship, which has a potential to become highly satisfying.

Such people begin to experience a certain kind of conflict within them. Their previous experiences, regarding relationships, on the one hand increases their desire to have at least one highly satisfying relationship and at the same time they develop a feeling to avoid people in order to not to get hurt again. They feel that if they become close to another person then sooner or later that relationship will suffer the same fate of their previous relationships.

Although there is the presence of the feeling of avoidance towards relationships, the desire of having a good relationship keeps pushing them towards the person with whom they feel close to and have a certain comforting feeling.

When such an individual initially gets to know a person whom he/she thinks to be a potentially satisfying relationship, he/she first keeps a distance. But when the individual develops a sense of comfort level with that person, then that feeling of avoidance gradually begins to diminish. However, this is also accompanied with a fear of perhaps one day losing that person and getting hurt once again.

Despite this constant fear, the comfort level and the liking that the individual has towards the other person, draws him/her more and more towards that person. This gives rise to another conflict in which the individual wants to be closer to the person but also thinks that he/she might get hurt again.

All this becomes too complicated for the individual, which leads the person to think that no matter what happens, he/she will not lose that person and will develop a relationship that has a lot of depth and has many emotions involved. This is where everything begins to go wrong.

The individual becomes completely insecure and wants to do everything to not only sustain the relationship for a longer period of time, but also to make it more and more intimate. For instance, the individual might begin to develop unreasonable expectations from the other person and act according to those expectations. Obviously, most of the times those expectations are not fulfilled which leads the person to complain about them with the other person.

Apart from developing unreasonable expectations, the individual also begins to make unreasonable demands. As the expectations become unfulfilled, similarly these demands are unable to be fulfilled. Due to all this, the individual becomes upset and gradually the fear of losing that person begins to increase. This increasing of fear makes the individual extremely desperate in order to make the relationship better and to make it continue for a longer period.

The expectations, complaints, and demands begin to make the other person a little uncomfortable. While all this is going on, the other person continuously begins to feel uncomfortable and in order to stay away from that discomfort he/she begins to distance himself/herself from that individual. The person, initially may not want to do that, but is perhaps not left with any other option. The desperation of the individual also does not do any good for all this. Gradually the discomfort felt by the other person turns into annoyance, which further may develop into disliking the individual.

The behavior of both of these people begins to resemble that of like poles. Like poles repel and similarly, on the one hand, the individual is getting desperate to be closer and closer to the other person and on the other hand, the person disliking this behavior begins to move farther away. The more desperate the individual gets the farther the other person moves away.

When this keeps on happening, there comes a time when the person cannot take it anymore. The other person perhaps gets fed up and thinks that the only way to feel better is to end the budding relationship. Eventually, this is exactly what happens and a relationship that had a potential to be highly intimate and satisfying ends without anybody’s fault. The relationship insecurity of the individual makes him/her desperate and continuous annoyance caused by that desperation makes the other person end the relationship. In this way all the fears of losing the person comes true.

Thus, the condition of the individual gets back to square one. The individual gets hurt again and in a way his/her fear of losing a relationship increases even more. He/she ends up being in the same position from where he/she started. The only change is that the intensity of the fear of losing a relationship might have increased a lot more. The initial conflict between avoidance and a desire of being close to someone remerges with an increased amount of intensity.

The insecurity in relationships that the individual had been carrying on makes matters worse. A relationship that has all the potential to develop into one that he/she desires does not flourish as expected only because of the insecurities that the individual may have. There is a complete irony. The desire of wanting more leads to getting nothing at all.

Although it is easier said than done, people with relationship insecurity should learn that nothing can be made to happen. A relationship should take its natural course into developing into an intimate and highly satisfying one. The more an individual forces things to happen the worse it gets.

Also, people at the receiving end should try to be a little understanding towards the person who has been carrying such insecurities throughout his/her life. This of course is not at all easy, because everyone requires their space and need their own time to develop a certain level of trust. The other person wanting things to develop naturally may misinterpret the intentions of the individual. But, if the person has a certain understanding about the individual then things can quite possibly be handled in a slightly different manner.

As mentioned above, things are not as easy as they may seem to be. The whole situation becomes too complicated for both. The individual unintentionally becomes desperate. The desire of getting closer to the other person actually drives the person away. Relationship insecurity, thus, becomes the cause of ending the relationship itself.

24 comments:

V Rakesh said...

A lot of care needs to be taken in a relationship, at all times and that makes things a lot easier, I believe!

Interesting post - as always!

Tausif said...

This is a very nice write up. I've seen people with the kind of insecurity you've written about and it really does make life miserable for both people in the relationship.

"Darshan" said...

Very logical and true !!

Keep writing !!

Ketan - www.ketansnadar.com said...

Amazing...Very well said...

NAMELESS FAMELESS said...

hey its a very well explained article !! very very nice !!

Firefly said...

Greetings!This made a lovely read Mr. Farooque.Me a psychologist and an Arts Based Therapist..wish to talk to you further..as our ares of work are similar..quite an insightful post....

Saif said...

@ Rakesh
Yeah, true ... relationships should always be handled with care ...



@ Tipu Bhai (Tausif)
Yeah, relationship insecurity does make life miserable. The sad part is that it is never meant to be that way. People get insecure without even realizing it and it then creates a lot of troubles.



@ Darshan
Glad to know that you felt that way ...

Saif said...

@ Ketan
Nice to know that you liked it and felt that way ...



@ Nameless Fameless
Good to know that you liked the article ... thanks for visiting.



@ Firefly
Its really nice to receive appreciation from an established person like you.

Yeah, it'll be nice to talk to you further, will be looking forward for that ... and you being an Arts based therapist has aroused a lot of curiosity in me to learn more about it.

Sara said...

oh wow, i haven't been here in a long time as well.. interesting as always! thanks for updating ur blog regularly =) and for stopping by mine .. hehe

Saif said...

@ Sara
haha ... welcome and thanks :D ... yes, I keep updating my blog regularly ... and yeah you do be regular in posting comments on it :D

M S Ahluwalia said...

Nice blog saif.. and well-designed too.. keep up the good work! Following you :)

M S Ahluwalia
http://msahluwalia.blogspot.com

Saif said...

@ M S Ahluwalia
Nice to know that you like my blog ... and thanks for following it :)

AJ said...

Just read 4 of your most recent posts. Very informative! Can you be my shrink? :)

Oh, and this insightful post is very timely. I read it on Valentine's Day - the day of love and relationships.

Thanks for sharing! And happy VD!

Saif said...

@ AJ
Glad to know that you liked my posts and found them informative.

You can always contact me on my e-mail address for any kind of questions and discussions.

I have gone through your blog (just a glance) and have found it quite interesting ... will read it thoroughly as soon as possible ...

Kn said...

Hmm....
Great writing!! U express ur thinking so well!!
Keep writing :-) !!

Saif said...

@ Kn
Thanks a lot! ... keep visiting :D

kp said...

Thanks for writing! Very logical indeed. For your next post, please mention how one can get past the relationship insecurity and how to communicate with their partners better regarding these insecurities (if we should). Thanks again!

Saif said...

@ kp
Thanks for liking it. Yeah maybe some time I will write about the things that you have mentioned. But, I think I have written a little bit of it in the end of the post ...

The Panorama said...

Interesting post. This sounds like a relationship between a narcissist and a normal person. The same dance. You say the other person should be understanding...yes, but I would say only upto a certain point because sometimes such individuals drain other people. But maybe there is a difference between a person suffering from insecurity in a relationship and a relationship with a narcissist?

I think one has to resolve these issues before going into a new relationship. But that can take a lifetime sometimes.

Good Post!

Saif said...

@ The Panorama
Oh narcissism is something that's quite different ... the closest that comes to this is borderline personality disorder (BPD), but that of course is at a much higher level and relationship insecurity is just one aspect among many others in BPD.

I agree that understanding can only be to a certain level ... i mean one can't expect the other person to understand you in each and every situation or for that matter for ever ... that will be selfishness.

... and yeah you're right, these issues have to be resolved before entering a new relationship, but somehow they don't ... even though things should happen differently, it just does not seem to be within the control of the individual ...

Innessa said...

wow.. this is great. right to the point and very accurate.

Saif said...

@ Innessa
Thanks a lot ... glad to know that you liked it :)

mydi said...

I just entered a new relationship, and I can sense that I may be entering that phase of relationship insecurity. Because I know prior to the relationship I am extremely confident in myself but not in a deep relationship.

I really want this to change and I was wondering what are your thoughts to help me curb any insecurities I may get later.

Thanks so much in advance! :)

Saif said...

@ mydi
Well, just try not to force things to happen. Take things as they come and don't engross yourself too much into the relationship.

Also, don't think too much about what's going to happen later. There's a possibility that your relationship may develop in such a good way that you may not even feel any insecurities.

The key is that don't think too much. :)

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